What's the Matter with ME ??

What's the matter with my LIFE ??
things should be going so well
SO FINE
So why am I having serious doubt about things ?? ?

Sometimes I really wonder if some of my hormones are missing~
It's not that I'm interested in GIRLS because I'M NOT!
and It's not like I want to be ALONE for the REST OF MY LIFE~
but the fact that I still am secretly having doubts in relationships is really effecting me

maybe it was my mum's doing.. .
Having a lot of comment about living a good life
That we'll never be happy if we were to life in a dreadful situation.. .
& by all means... WHO WOULD be happy that way ??? ?
I mean come on.. .
C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S to me.. . .
I'm no longer . . . . . .

I'm not sure about this at all.. .
At 1st I really wanted it but in the end,
After timeless of disappointment,
After having my heart ripped so many time.. .
I was happy that . . . sorry but the feelings I had didnt seem secured... .
I guess it worries me in a way.. .

I DO want things to work in my LIFE
I DO want my future career to support my living life style
I DO want to have someone whom I can share everything with
But is it ...... ?

I'm doubtful.. .
A trait which I hate in myself
I'm doubtful when choosing my college
& now I'm doubtful about my life~
I know
things might not end up the way I wanted it to in years to come
but I have no intention in leading others in a way I am not interested in.. .
Am I afraid or undecided ??

somehow I feel writing this out here will in a way hurts~
but I have no where else to turn to
My mum didnt understand what I was trying to convey or am I just terrible in trying to make others understand what I'm trying to say~
I was the one pushing things to happen
& when it did,
I felt as thought it was way to fast
I was the one who wanted this
But I felt so very uneasy being cared~

GOSH I'm so hard to please~
I'm CONFUSED~

GUILTY~

I feel terrible today~
In a way, I'm really guilty.. .
I was suppose to help my friend on her Assignment 1 but in the end she scored terribly.. .

I did try to ask the lecturer personally to give her another chance to redo due to her absences for class but he said no to be fair to all students and I understand~
But every time she starts to talk about how low she get,
In a way, it made me felt as thought I was partly responsible for her scoring so low..
Maybe I wasnt patient enough to tell her in more detail on what she should do..
Or am I just not good in explaining. ..

My lecturer did told me that I was not in fault and asked me not to put the blame on myself.. .
I tried but as to HOW AM I SUPPOSE NOT TO ??
sigh~
SO moody.. .
I really did hope she pass.. . I SINCERELY did... .

LAST WEEK

I was really busy these few days
So I didnt really have time to tell the WORLD that I HAD A PAIR OF WONDERFUL PARENTS
And so, now I'm updating it now.. .
Due to some certain issue I'm facing in hostel, I was depressed... .
I called mum and cried my little eyes out on the 26th April saying that I wanted to go home
That I missed home but in fact, 50% was because I was facing too much pressure here and of course 50% of it was true.. . I did miss home of course having to been away from it for a month.. .
I was feeling really down in a way~ I was always thinking about food because I really am having difficulties buying food.. .
I missed my mum's cooking.. . I just couldnt bare it anymore as I asked mum whether she could come and see me?
She struggled for an answer because she and my dad would be going ''cheng beng'' in the morning and would usually last till the late afternoon.

I didnt force things into happening because I do know the importance of family gathering and all
& of course I was worry about them being here too.. .
I wont want anything to happen to them of course~

But it was early in the morning that I receive a call from mum that she and dad will be coming to see me..
I was SHOCKED and SURPRISE
but I was really HAPPY.. .

My mum brought all the vegetables and fruits that I said I wanted to eat.. .
then dad brought me out for a great meal~
we had Kenny Rogger's chicken for lunch
then went back to my hostel and my parents did all my chores for me.. .
Dad fixed me a floating shelf on the wall
while Mum iron my clothes and mop the floor.. .

After everything, my dad brought me out again for dinner. ..
We went to hawker stalls there, I definitely ate a lot...
I ate porridge, I ate duck meat koew toew th'ng, laksa and so on .. .
but of course we share among ourselves.. .
overall it was a fun day~
I hug my parents before they leave and kissed both of them.. . I so LOVE MY PARENTS.. =) they are just THE BEST!!! !