Happy days~

Lately, a lot happened in my Life~
& I wasnt any diligent enough to update anything of it.. .

Well maybe because Life to me now is everything,
nothing BUT
Full of Happiness, Joy, Fun & Excitement together
EVERYDAY being able to be with him~

I never expect that my story would turn out this way
as I have always thought that my prince charming would be someone who acts like a PRINCE and behave like one~

Everyone thought that my type of guy would be a bookworm type
who wears a specs, dresses in suits & holds dictionaries..
But
What I found was a guy who doesnt wear specs, dresses in Tshirts but suits occasionally & not really into books~
&
What not everyone sees in him is that
he has a very good eyes sight,
looks tremendously handsome in simple wear
doesnt need books to score 4.0 flat
& has a big heart for me~

He's who he is and I LOVE HIM~
He was never shy when he around me or my family
which to me, is a bonus~
because I LOVE my family and I glad he do too...

He's also a great cook
which is another bonus to me because I'm not

He's everything I'm looking for just a little childish
which now, I'm glad I found him~
& surprisingly none of my friends think I would fall for him
BUT Im glad I did..

He is the BEST THING that had happened to me
& I cherish every moment I had with him
I just know that he is the one for me~

Ahh.. . The STRESS~

I believed that many had gone through what I am going through now
Sleepless nights;
Tired brain;
Headaches;
Anxiety;
Clueless;
Brain FREEZE;
lack of INSPIRATION
& finally

T H E B R E A K D O W N~

But whatever it is,
It's gonna end soon & I do hope that everything ends well too.. . .

Was really busy lately especially after my laptop had it's own break down
which in turns KILLS me because I wasnt prepared for it after saving everything in it
BUT NOT IN MY USB
I was devastated into having to do everything all over again
with only limited time in hand

I WANT to Ace's MY SUBJECT
I NEEDED to proof to my parents that I CAN TOO STUDY even with a boyfriend
I CANT score less that what I had before
I WILL do my BEST as I told myself.. .

But the only problem now is

CAN I ??

WILL I ??

I'm sad~

I dont know why but somehow I had a feeling that He's unhappy~
I felt sad that he didnt want to tell me what's going on
that he didnt want to share.. .
I felt as thought I was useless as his girlfriend that I cant do nothing

I know he didnt want me to worry or anything
Or am I just thinking too darn much
I dont know but sigh~
He asked if I wanted dinner
I said OK just so to accompany him because I'm not really that hungry
Just wanted to spend time with him even though I am rushing for my assignment~
He said he'll cook but I really didnt want to bother or trouble him
I rather sleep less to finish up my assignment than to had him waste his time
I rather do much of every little thing so to lessen his burden.. .
I DO NOT want to be a BURDEN

But in the end,
I got so tired trying to be nice
I got so tired trying to please him
& I guess he was growing tired himself to trying to please me~
we got mad and started to talk sarcastically & I hated it.. .

My life~

A new beginning of what I really wanted to feel..
A brand new start on something which I really am happy... .
I didnt want to compare but there is just to much about ... that I really LOVE~
I'm so .. .... right now~

I know things might have been going really fast
But I cant help feeling really happy every time I see ...
I'm liking every moment
& I'm looking forward everyday.. .
I just am so so so happy nowadays that I just cant content my feeling

This feelings seems to be bursting out of excitement and joy & I just cant wait for this Sunday =)
I'm going HOME!~

Things Happening~

Which I never knew I was going through with it.. .
& I felt that things changed drastically after I started working~

I'm not sure but I'm feeling a lot more happier.. .
Although, I'm usually tired after work & always rushing with assignments..
I dont know if things are turning the way I wanted it to be
Or am I just being all naive again~

I sure am not good in picking nor making any decisions..
But I do hope that my future stays bright.. .

sigh~
I wonder if everything will turn all right ??

I Had FUN last night

& I enjoyed it.. .
I guess I didnt have my mother's gene after all
Who was able to handle a bottle of wine just for herself
& NOT getting drunk~

For me,
for the 1st time,
I think I had FUN getting all 'high'
Was getting light and.. .
smiling and grinning =D
But I guess I was still fine because I was still able to read and count.. .
I had clear visions and still was able to walk straight

But I guess the best part of all,
I was having fun with my friends.. .
It was fun seeing each of us doing silly stupid stuff.. .
caring for each other when we walk
& asking if we were all right after drinking those wines like water as thought to clench thirst >.<

My eyes were red & when I finally got to bed,
My head starts to turn & so is my room.. .
My body was heating up and my adrenaline was rushing
Blood circulation was great!!

He who had me drinking apologized as he felt terrible
She who had me drinking brought me to my room.. .
^^
Overall, it was really a nice day to be with friends. .

Feelings~

Lately, all my feelings are jumbled up in my head
& I cant seem to get rid of it.. .

I was CLUELESS as to; Do I really need to job ?
then when I got my job, AT TIMES, I was CONFUSED as to what my boss actually wanted me to do.. . .

But worst of all that had happened lately was I'm getting DOUBTFUL~

Having this job made me realize that earning a living is harder than I thought.. .
I always wanted an easy going life.. . Having nothing but POWER, WEALTH and of course HEALTH.. ..
I Wanted everything I wished I had.. .
& I wanted EVERYTHING in MY LIFE to be PERFECT the way I see it.. .

But I know deep DOWN within me. .. What I wanted will never come true.. .
because I know how reality works it's charm.. .
the MORE you want it.. . The more you cant have it.. .
the lest you expects it. .. the more likely it'll happen.. .

In my case.. .
RELaTIONSHIP~

I dont know~
Maybe it's ME or
Maybe it's US
But most probably IT'S ME

I confessed.. .

I'm getting cautions~
I was deeply hurt, wounded, scared and frighten.. .
but I gave up...
having him to confessed in a way made all those pain go away

but I didnt care anymore after a while.. .
Of course meeting him those days really made me happy.. .
But I wondered was I or am I just curios about us ??

It was fun and enjoyable having to talk to someone.. .
But the fact is, everybody need a friend dont they ??

I said I didnt mind about things which sometimes I do
I said I didnt care about things he did but sometimes I do..
I dont know why I tolerated it all.. .
or was I giving myself a chance ?

I'm doubtful all right.. .
I'm REALLY DOUBTFUL~

I said let fate take it's turn
&
I said let what the future may holds shines to myself
I dont want us just break
but I guess I didnt want him to hurt more~
I rather have him dump me to tell the truth although according to the book of BOYS and GIRLS.. .
A girl should never be dump by a boy.. .
I dont mind.. .
I rather him hate me instead of him tearing in to pieces.. .

Tell me What I'm suppose to do ??? ? ?

I wanted what I got .. . But is he what I want ?? ?

I'm so CLUELESS
I'm so CONFUSED
I'M SO DOUBTFUL.. .

Help~ any suggestions ??

Working days~

I've found a JOB~
Well at first I was excited... . >.< didnt know why
But after I really worked,
I felt OMG what am I doing ?? ?
the pay I had was so little I think that my boss is in a way using us~

I was only paid Rm3.50 per hour and I was to WORK LIKE A COW.. .
I didnt know why that I bother to continue working there.. . .
It's not that I'm broke or anything or the fact that my parents are.. .
because this job sweeping, mopping, rearranging stuff, carrying heavy load, climbing up and down and etc. is KILLING me.. .
My mum wanted me to quit my job
But I was thinking what else can I do with my 4 days of working days when I didnt have any activities left to do.. .
I know working like a cow for RM3.50 is not worth it at all.. .
but in a way,
It gives me a lesson not to waste money ( not that I do )
and also to appreciate what my parents gave me.. .

In a way, now, I love my parents even more now that I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS to earn ONLY RM3.50/hour~

though, I am getting tired easily and my mood is definitely shifting from good to bad and bad to worst
but I think everything should be fine when pay day comes.. ..

SIGH~ LIFE.. .. . .
GOD! ! ! will i lead a good life in the future ??? ? ?

Happy Mother's Day to All

The GREATEST celebration one can do for their mum...
I LOVE my MUM
but I totally forgot to get her gift from the bakery =.="
I guess I was too busy rushing my delayed life sketches~

I gave her a long hug and a light peck on her cheeks almost unnoticeable~

Well, today was a wild wild day for me after waking up at 6.30am just to get ready
but ended up starting our journey back to where education calls at 10-11am
nevertheless break-lunch was not bad =D

The most memorable part of this trip and of every trip every time I'm force to go back to college
My heart would always feel heavy every time I leave my mum.. .
I'm so not going to be independent that way~
sigh~

Still, I'm happy that now she's safe at home =)
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

What's the Matter with ME ??

What's the matter with my LIFE ??
things should be going so well
SO FINE
So why am I having serious doubt about things ?? ?

Sometimes I really wonder if some of my hormones are missing~
It's not that I'm interested in GIRLS because I'M NOT!
and It's not like I want to be ALONE for the REST OF MY LIFE~
but the fact that I still am secretly having doubts in relationships is really effecting me

maybe it was my mum's doing.. .
Having a lot of comment about living a good life
That we'll never be happy if we were to life in a dreadful situation.. .
& by all means... WHO WOULD be happy that way ??? ?
I mean come on.. .
C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S to me.. . .
I'm no longer . . . . . .

I'm not sure about this at all.. .
At 1st I really wanted it but in the end,
After timeless of disappointment,
After having my heart ripped so many time.. .
I was happy that . . . sorry but the feelings I had didnt seem secured... .
I guess it worries me in a way.. .

I DO want things to work in my LIFE
I DO want my future career to support my living life style
I DO want to have someone whom I can share everything with
But is it ...... ?

I'm doubtful.. .
A trait which I hate in myself
I'm doubtful when choosing my college
& now I'm doubtful about my life~
I know
things might not end up the way I wanted it to in years to come
but I have no intention in leading others in a way I am not interested in.. .
Am I afraid or undecided ??

somehow I feel writing this out here will in a way hurts~
but I have no where else to turn to
My mum didnt understand what I was trying to convey or am I just terrible in trying to make others understand what I'm trying to say~
I was the one pushing things to happen
& when it did,
I felt as thought it was way to fast
I was the one who wanted this
But I felt so very uneasy being cared~

GOSH I'm so hard to please~
I'm CONFUSED~

GUILTY~

I feel terrible today~
In a way, I'm really guilty.. .
I was suppose to help my friend on her Assignment 1 but in the end she scored terribly.. .

I did try to ask the lecturer personally to give her another chance to redo due to her absences for class but he said no to be fair to all students and I understand~
But every time she starts to talk about how low she get,
In a way, it made me felt as thought I was partly responsible for her scoring so low..
Maybe I wasnt patient enough to tell her in more detail on what she should do..
Or am I just not good in explaining. ..

My lecturer did told me that I was not in fault and asked me not to put the blame on myself.. .
I tried but as to HOW AM I SUPPOSE NOT TO ??
sigh~
SO moody.. .
I really did hope she pass.. . I SINCERELY did... .

LAST WEEK

I was really busy these few days
So I didnt really have time to tell the WORLD that I HAD A PAIR OF WONDERFUL PARENTS
And so, now I'm updating it now.. .
Due to some certain issue I'm facing in hostel, I was depressed... .
I called mum and cried my little eyes out on the 26th April saying that I wanted to go home
That I missed home but in fact, 50% was because I was facing too much pressure here and of course 50% of it was true.. . I did miss home of course having to been away from it for a month.. .
I was feeling really down in a way~ I was always thinking about food because I really am having difficulties buying food.. .
I missed my mum's cooking.. . I just couldnt bare it anymore as I asked mum whether she could come and see me?
She struggled for an answer because she and my dad would be going ''cheng beng'' in the morning and would usually last till the late afternoon.

I didnt force things into happening because I do know the importance of family gathering and all
& of course I was worry about them being here too.. .
I wont want anything to happen to them of course~

But it was early in the morning that I receive a call from mum that she and dad will be coming to see me..
I was SHOCKED and SURPRISE
but I was really HAPPY.. .

My mum brought all the vegetables and fruits that I said I wanted to eat.. .
then dad brought me out for a great meal~
we had Kenny Rogger's chicken for lunch
then went back to my hostel and my parents did all my chores for me.. .
Dad fixed me a floating shelf on the wall
while Mum iron my clothes and mop the floor.. .

After everything, my dad brought me out again for dinner. ..
We went to hawker stalls there, I definitely ate a lot...
I ate porridge, I ate duck meat koew toew th'ng, laksa and so on .. .
but of course we share among ourselves.. .
overall it was a fun day~
I hug my parents before they leave and kissed both of them.. . I so LOVE MY PARENTS.. =) they are just THE BEST!!! !

FRIENDS~

ARE sometimes so damn fake.. . .
I really hate the fact that they'll back stab others when they are not around
Yes.. . I admit I do the same things.. . .
but it was because I was so fed up doing all those assignment by myself.. .
Having only a little help.. .
More reason for me to dislike GROUP ASSIGNMENTS..

Okay~ fine.. .
EVERYONE hates others bad point.. .
I wont deny.. .
I do too.. .
But not going out is a BAD POINT ??
HEY HELLO !!!!!
I'm a student here.. .
NOT entertainer.. ..
I know a friends birthday is coming.. .
so go on.. . GO !!!
I really wish to go and I promise I would.. .
IF and only IF it was cheap.. .
KARAOKE ??
Count me OUT !!!
at least find a decent place for enjoyment.. .
didnt want to go.. . and it would seem > GOSH what a damn party pooper.. . .She's always like that !!!
GO and I would hate myself.. . .

so who to please.. . . 16 of others or me ??
to be selfish,
I choose me.. .
because I have damn LOTS of unfinished assignments.. .
I have damn LITTLE time.. .
& they are sucking the LIFE out of me.. .
so be it.. .

I'm a workaholic.. .
so, D E A L W I T H I T ! ! ! !

I'm so not going to force myself going into places I do not like.. .
So not going to waste my time and money on something I hate
AND so not going to let you guys which is consider a " SO - CALLED FRIEND "

T O M A K E M Y L I F E D I F F I C U L T !!!!
as if I'm not going through things like that NOW.. .

Sorry ~
Happy birthday.. .
and PLEASE enjoy.. .

I LOVE MY PARENTS... . .

I'm really happy today~
I had a great breakfast with my parents, my aunt and her friend.. .
after that my parents took me to Gurney Plaza to shop for my formal clothes
My day was just unforgettable

When I went for my fitting,
I tried both pants and skirt.
I liked the skirt but my mum thinks the pants looked nicer.. .
I was only been told by mum to only pick one &
so I was in dilemma... .
I didnt know which to choose.. .

UNTIL

my dad saw how it fitted so well on me,
He said just take both~
I was happy but in a way I was feeling guilty
when I saw him scouting for clothes that only was throw out with 70% tags on it.. ..
I was deeply touched and moved as to how my dad would sacrificed for me
For me to look pretty during my presentation &
For me to look smart so that I would score for my attire.. .

In one day, my formal clothing touched RM400 and above.. .
I was really happy & glad that I had HIM as my dad.. . .
I LOVE HIM~

MUM on the other hand,
showered me with LOVE like no ones' business~
She didnt mind sleeping on the floor with me because my dad was using my bed.. .
She mopped my floor early in the morning & before she leaved.. .
Cleaned my room,
Folded my clothes,
& did practically everything so to lessen my burden & to focus on my studies~
I LOVE MUM

Now I can only wish that I have a bright future so to
Get dad every little gadget he LOVE to meddle with &
Get mum all the kitchen utensil I know she'll LOVE to use

I hope that I would be patient with my parents as they grow older
& I hope that I would not get mad at them easily~
I really wished that I would fulfill this promise
because I'm just so afraid that I might not be able to control my emotions
when I'm in the heat of work running a big project and have them
running around like kids asking me this and that~

there are just too much to say that I really am getting speechless as to what to even continue.. . .
I really wanted to write an email to my parents saying that I LOVE THEM
I wanted to write them that if one day I get mad at them
Please let me know so I would lower my voice~
I would apologize.. . .
I would cool down and I would repeat everything over again nicely~
I LOVE YOU MUM !
I LOVE YO DAD !
YOU ARE JUST THE BEST !!!

Really busy~

Life in college is getting more and more interesting
homework are stacking up and work load is getting more stressful
But somehow, I rather enjoyed it than having nothing better to do.
Besides that, I felt that things are finally turning round.
The guy I had a crush on is finally responding~
I was shocked too
As to now, we are very best friends =)

I wonder how I should feel ??
because I am having the feeling of being protective now that I am in a way letting someone in.. .
I do have problems with boys.. .
Or am I just afraid of commitment ??
Anyway, I really am glad that I am doing so fine nowadays.. .
Results for my assignments are also quite good... .
at least I still manage to score 8/10 & above so I'm glad =)

Here are some of my recent assignment.. .
to built a box.. .
a emotion box (sad/depressed) and a conceptual box which I've choose a love story

Too MUCH!!

Friends are always the same.. . .
They'll suck all the juice out of you
and leave you paralyzed and soon die~
maybe I over exaggerated but that is so true !!
they wanted you to play with them and so that you wont be able to finish your work and be like them~
always last minute....

A thing which I cannot tolerate
the background which we are brought up to be are so different as to I just cant procrastinate my work not now that I've understand how important that good result is theoretically and practically ~

They might not understand how important it is for me to score 4.0 flat but I really need to aim high as to not to disappoint my parents again
I'm not interested in playing childish games with them
or to waste my hard earn saving on such silly stuff~
paying 20 noodles for karaoke which I dont even enjoy just for wifi ??
how about McD ?? at least I wont have to starve and still get free wifi.. . .

They get mad at me whenever I spoil the fun
Just because I was invited, it doesnt mean that I'll have to go if I dont feel like going
I DO NOT HAVE TO PLEASE NO ONE.. . .
I'M NO ENTERTAINER.. ..
I'M A STUDENT!!!... .

Besides why am I the one who need to care about how they should feel... . .
If I do, who is caring for me ??
DARN THEM~

So Complicated, So Hetic, So SO SO Just perfect = =''

Assignment are nowadays getting more and more.. .
I'm so afraid that I might not be able to finish it in time
even thought I always do.. .
But I'm trying to score not only just by handing over my piece of assignment
I wanted my piece to be the BEST !!!
I admit I am greedy
Greedy for marks
because I still want my life in my near future to be JUST PERFECT~

Now, after the confession which didnt turn out the way I wanted it to
which is all right now because we seem to be chatting more now that we are just friends
I found out that he's the type of boy which do not know what he wants and what he LIKE
because he keeps on denying the fact that he do.. .
He puts education first which is a good thing but seems to deny all other existence which is also important.. .
He tries to create an image of a good boy which he is but I couldnt understand why cant a good boy have a girlfriend ??
I was so caught up with emotional thought too during my exams but I still manage to SCORE 4.0 flat on my nursing sub ~

Well, I hope my wild wild guesses about him isnt accurate because if it does, it would just be sad~
I wish that he would find a girl which would love him so very much and that he treasures her too.. ..

For my case, I had another boy coming in the picture~
But still, he's personality is too unreliable~
I'm not so sure whether to believe in all his sweet talks or just to ignore him first
nevertheless, he is still at least better than the boy I had a crush on
because at least he cares~
the ONE THING that EVERYONE needed the MOST.. . .
SOMEONE TO CARE ~

Terrible JOKES

Jokes are defined as something that is amusing or ridiculous, especially because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously.. . .

but I dont see it funny at all
Maybe because they are such TERRIBLE class clown where they cant really differentiate good jokes that would make people laugh and bad jokes that would hurt people's feeling

I really hate the feeling for all this.. .. .
taking me as a subject with a boy making it an item for joke... . .
I didnt want to be so close to any guy in my class for a reason..
Well obviously to avoid all this.. . ..
Stupid name callings
Stupid face mimicking
all going lovey dovey~

if I happens to like that guy this would be really fun
But I happens to not like that guy~
I'm not that of a sporting type of girl compared to other girls because I take things like this really seriously.. ..
If I like him,
I would give chances
If not. ..
I would not create HOPEs.. . .

Today in class..
A fellow friend of mine
happens to be called up to the front
& he was asked to pick any girl..
Okay he was shy and I was definitely hoping it was not me
& bingo.. ..

I was called up by other betrayers a good friend of his called me up~
I wanted to be sporting
so I walk up towards him
But the funny part of this activity was
you are require to look at the partner's eyes
which was something that I cant do.. . .
I cant just look at someone's eyes knowing that the guy had a bit crush on me
What if that creates hope...
I so do not want to see if his eye's pupils expands~
& so, I told the lecturer I have BOY PHOBIA which made the whole class laughing like mad
leaving him behind as I went back to my seat... .

I hated the way my classmates take this as a cruel joke to him and to me... .
In a way, I'm so afraid that they are creating hope to him making me like him
& everytime I did what I just did to him (eg. leaving him behind saying that I have BOY PHOBIA) would make him more embarrassed as he already am.. .

I'm also afraid that I'm stuck with him since people might take us as a couple
which leaves me no chance with other boys... .

GOD DAMN it are they terrible JOKERS !!!

Finally~

Hopes that were given finally didnt feel like it anymore
I guess I was right since from the start
But it was a good thing that now I finally know what he THINKs
I didnt regreted telling him
I just regreted that I didnt tell him sooner so that I didnt have to push so hard
& wasted all this time trying to make him see that I liked him

For 1 year and more
I can fianlly give up
I can finally take a rest~

I didnt feel like crying at first because it was already expected
& so,
I didnt
But after seeing mum,
I didnt know why I did~

I'm really happy
Happy that he finally FINALLY says what he is thinking
I'm glad ~

I wonder ~

This year's Chinese New Year
I wanted it to be special~

I was really happy these few days staying at home
Chatting with my relatives
Wearing new clothes
Finally putting on some make up
Smiling and greeting everyone ," Happy Chinese New Year!"

But still I am still getting nervous as the days draws closer
I will be confessing to him again~
I liked him alright but,
I really am getting tired
I really wanted to tell him

BUT,

finally a guy is chasing over me
at least I think he is giving hints that he likes me

When I told my mum about this boy B,
My mum was really happy
she said that I should opened up to more guys

She also said the most important thing that a girl should know is that,
''a girl should never love a boy more than the boy loves her''
sigh~

soonER or LAter~

I felt like giving up even before telling him now
I felt all this is just too much too handle
I felt all I did is just too damn silly
I felt I'm thinking him too much

even when I'm having sleepless nights
He was the one who came to my mind first

I told my bro about this today and it made me felt worst when I heard him through the other line all concern about me
I felt blessed having him as my brother
to comfort me and to reason with me
He told me that this relationship would not work but if I really am going to try,
he said go ahead
He did not supported me because he thinks that long relation would not work
I think so too but
I'm now I had already madly crazily fallen for him
but still,
my bro, He's giving me his full support when he heard me sobbing on the other line

I really need to see him this Chinese New Year
Although I know that this would probably ruin all my coming Chinese New Years
But . ..
I guess I can no longer hold on to it any longer~
I feel that I might just break
sooner or later
&
sooner or later,
I'll still need to face him
so why not now~

I cant IMAGINE if he says No

Thinking about it itself is already starting to bring tears in my eyes
I mean come on

I was madly in love with him when I first saw him
I admit I was attracted to him by the way he looked at the outside first
But later when I got to know more
It was like I was unable to even compare other guys with him anymore

He do not smoke
He do not drink alcohols
He's tall
He's fair
He's nice
but the only thing which is not perfect is that 'I love him more than he does to me'

I gave him 100% but it was like he was only returning 20% to me
I cant believe I'm writing it here but I guess when you really loves someone
you dont really care what others think anymore~

I did all those silly little things which my friends would usually jokingly tell me
as in
'' stop reading the messages again. .. It'll last longer if you copy it''
and I told her, '' already did''
and she would go totally blank ~

then I would also not have any guys taking picture with me alone because I wanted my 1st picture to be taken with him
NOT only that,
I would not even mind buying things or taking time to make something which I think he would like although I know that I would never have a chance giving it to him. ..

but I'm getting tired
I'm so tired of waiting
He's just being so cold towards me~
when I asked for the reason why he's sad,
He would just not answer
and when he finally did, he says
''Don't force me okay ?''
what am I suppose to say after that ?? ?

do He thinks that I would go asked anyone randomly when I see someone's sad ??
I just wanted to know more about him~

I felt so hurt after he said that after which I had hope that he would tell me what was wrong~
& I replied, take care then~

I felt that this coming Chinese New Year after my confession,
My eyes would be as puffy as a goldfish~
somewhat, I just know that things would go wrong
but I still want to tell it to him face to face~
at least if he rejects this time,
I'll have no regrets anymore
& this would finally end~

I called that DUMB~

Although it's more to innocent
Well I dont really get what BOYS think
but I do know EGO~

Which book of BOYS & GIRLS said that BOYS should always pay for a female FRIEND ??
Which Book of BOYS & GIRLS said that BOYS should not take back money from a FEMALE FRIEND ??

If I were to come across such a book, I'll definitely BURN it !!!
DUMB BOOK!! not to mention WORTHLESS!!!

I'm really unhappy just now as to what had happened~
I was going for my lunch with my friends (newly met friends)
OKAY & I get it, if everyone wants to be nice
But I definitely do not want to be a burden to anyone

This guy friend of mine is really nice to me
& I felt that we should have a border between us as in I should not take advantage of people's kindness towards me
so, today when he bought me sandwiches, I paid him back which he refused to take
I dont understand !! ! !
I DONT UNDERSTAND AT ALL ! !

JUST TAKE THE MONEY !!!
I hate owing people favors especially when he kept on helping me
I felt as thought I had become someone's burden !! & I hate that feeling

UnFORTUNELY when he kept on refusing to take the money & I kept on forcing him to take
It was said that I was trying to make him look bad which I had no idea I was doing it
I was totally clueless of my action until a friend of mine told me after he left with another guy

I had no IDEA THAT GUYS WERE THAT EGOISTIC!!

He made me felt really bad when he left with another guy very soon after eating and then not bothered to even say bye
I guess he was mad~

That friend of him on the other hand really am inconsiderate
I mean come on
you dont have to tell me so many times as I am not deaf
Kept on saying that I nag~

Besides I was talking to another friend so why do he need to bother if I talk a lot or whatever
isnt what he's doing called ease-dropping ??
didnt he know that it's damn RUDE ??
sigh~
I discuss the matter with some friends there who is still sitting there
well~ it was a situation where one is too generous and another who did not want to owe anyone anything

= =''

MONEY is so important!!
Why did he bother to even refuse~
I'm not that poor
Sandwiches by far I still can handle

getting LAZY~

I wonder if I'm getting lazy or am I just having too much work nowadays compared
to last time when I used to have a lots of free time. . .

neh~ it's me I guess because I would usually complain being boring and having nothing to do at all~
Hmm .. But i'm wondering why am I skipping my everyday dairy . ..

maybe it's because nothing special really happen & i'm growing tired of writing nothing there
sigh~ anyway,
I'm getting terrible insomnia and headaches.. .. .
I just cant stop thinking about a certain someone which is a total drag since I know he wont be thinking about me ==''

I'm trying my best here.. .
even had him in my dreams rejecting me. .
T.T life isnt fair~

sobs~

Simple but Complicated Life~ lol. .. what does that even MEAN ??

I am having a blast here.. .
Meeting and making new friends
Going out
Chatting
Eating
Laughing
Caring
Sharing
all the little things that is making life GREAT!! LIVELY!! LOUD!! and MEANINGFUL!!

I mean Life doesnt get better than this.. ..
especially having friends that have CARS
so LIKING IT!!

I am happy
but whenever I think about that insensitive guy~
ohh .. .. . how my blood boils~
sigh~
planning on something .. .
but well,
I'll still think about it.. .

Days is college ~ what can I say

Life is getting worked out. . .
But I still cant get my photoshop working since I have no Idea AT ALL as to how to crack the code =='' (NOT A NERD) lol

besides that, I am getting hang of myself being just fine
College is getting so far so good too as usual &
we friends are just getting to know each other more. ..

Nothing extraordinary but as I have pictured it . ..
FUh~but damn LOTS OF ASSIGNMENT . ...

To tell the truth, I really wish I could change my laptop
This laptop I'm using is nothing but trouble. .
IF I had continued nursing which I didnt, this laptop would be just fine
but Now, it's nothing but slowing down all my work... ..
Battery problem, CD-ROM problem. ..
It would be fine if it's only using in hostel. ..
but changing it would mean using a large amount of money again
& the worst part, Chinese New Year is coming. . .
I cant burden my parents anymore. . ..
Having them to pay my PTPTN for 13K +
& the money using to start a new college. . . this is just too much ...
So, for short~ well, just deal with it.. .
sigh~ life eh.. .. .

sigh~

I deactivated my account in FB today
Well maybe seeing him online and not chatting with him
is a bit how to you say ...
anyway, I felt as though I was always the one who initiates the first move
How I wish that I was a boy and not a GIRL~

I'm still a little depressed or should I say unhappy about his insensitive remarks
I wont say I am giving up because I know it wont work
Because if it does, it would have already work LONG TIME AGO

But I am going to take a rest from all this. ..
I would stop the messages from now until Chinese New Year comes so to give him a wish
other then that,
I would now disconnect my world with the outside world for a while
other then meeting people outside, e-mails, and my blog

* depressed ~

I feel so ~

S T U P I D to even care . . . .
What am I doing ??
I'm doing this for about so many months now
& GOD, I'm so tired !!!

The sickening emotion that makes me
So angry
So sick
So FRUSTRATED !!!

I kept asking myself again and again . . .
Why do I care ??

truthfully, I really wish to CRY
I really feel like blurring my eyes with tears
I really FEEL LIKE hey!
Who do you think you are ??

& what keeps me holding on is the thought that
the way . . use to . . . . to me
I could see predictions on him
as thought I would know what to expect
I just do although sometimes, it would be inaccurate

I really hate him but why do I still get all excited every time I see his message ???
GOD damn I'm blind
But God damn it I was BLIND enough to see him . . .

I really hate those times when he says goodnight
but what am I suppose to do ??
I wonder if telling him that I . . ....
was the right move?
considering that everything now is way more awkward that ever !!!
I couldnt say things lightly anymore because in a way,
THINGS MEANT SOMETHING at least to me when i wrote it
but he'll always take it as a joke
but thinking rationally now,
is it the reason why he took it as a joke is because he actually NEVER WANTED IT TO BE REAL ???


sigh~
My brother once told be if I build a fence to high, nobody would be able to see the beauty of the garden behind the fence ...
If I build it too low and everyone would be climbing over the fence. . .

but the problem is did I build it right ??
I wasnt open to much guys
In fact,I didnt even gave them a chance nor myself a chance because I was only seeing ...
He was always there in my ... .. .
But it feels like now, I'm only trying to catch his shadow~
which HEY DEAR~ wake up IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

AM SO DEPRESSED~
wish he would care... .
REALLY wish he WOULD

CLUE

After the awkward embarrassing thing I did,
Images of . . . seem to be running . . . .

Well, I had a terrible night
as I always do nowadays
I wonder what is happening . . .
Somehow, I think I'm having INSOMNIA which is really bad
I couldnt get to sleep no matter how much I toss & turn around~
I even ate sleeping pills - really desperate to get some good night sleep
but still, I would be able to linger around until 2am

Well the clue I am mentioning is - dreams
Somehow we do know that dreams symbolizes what we are unable to do at our waking life
& funny thing is I . . . . . . him during the day & still thinks about him at my not so waking part of my life.

In my dream well, arent dreams the sweetest . .
he did something really unexpected where in the waking part of the life I think it would be -
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE ! ! !

lol

but something bad happen in the end
So i wonder if that's a clue to not mention all this ever again and still be friends
. . . .

OH MY GOD !!!

my homework is killing me and now all this. . .
Maybe I should have kept quite ~

FRustration is so taking over ~

There !!!! I DID IT !!!!

I CONFESSED ! ! ! !
OMG I CONFESSED ! ! ! !


I dont know as to if I should be proud of myself
Or to actually hate myself for doing that
I confessed to the guy I had a . . . . . on for 15 months now
I feel DUMB maybe he dont feel the same way
But I felt the feeling is hanging on too long~

I get MAD easily when he makes insensitive jokes
I get HAPPY easily too when he makes caring compliments
He gets my emotions all ups and downs. .
He gets my emotions all high and low . .
HE was someone that meant a lot to me. .

BUT,

Somehow, deep down
I had a felling that things would not end up the way I wanted it to be
Maybe I was not the girl with the long silky smooth black hair
I was not the girl with a voice like an angel
I was not the girl with fair pallid skin
I was not the girl with long beautiful legs
I was not the ONE~

well to tell the truth,
When ever I had a chance going out with him,
I would take every chance I had looking at his hands
How big it would be covering mine
And HOW I wish that the thought of that comes true

I WONT DENY NOW

I LIKE HIM ! ! ! !

I sigh a lot thinking about the message I've send
knowing that he'll read the content soon
Will he acknowledge my presences ??
Or AM I just ANOTHER FRIEND ??

sigh~

I'm missing KL. . . I'm MIssing . . .

Things are not falling into places which I had 1st anticipated it to be
I was hoping for a more drama like college life~ LOL
Classes now are still as boring as ever because we still aren't familiar with each other I guess

I phoned Sya ( A friend in my previous college )and I really missed chatting with her
A LOT !!!~
She was as usual lively and friendly
We chatted ,
We laughed ,
We smiled ,
We grinned &
We gasped in excitement . . .

It was enjoyable
A thing which I didnt have the chance to do after leaving KL
I miss saying morning to all my classmates
I miss saying your're pretty today
I miss saying nutty and crappy stuff to my lecturers

Oh~ I MISS THE DAYS MAKING FUN OF THE LECTURERS lecture =D

I miss . . .
. . was someone really special to me
but to . . ., I was as though nothing
Am I thinking too much ?? or is . . always that terrible to me

what do I even LIKE about . . . ???
SIGH~
I keep asking myself that question but the truth is, I like everything about . . .

arhg~ I'm the worst. . .
I Liked him for 15months now but I still cant tell him that.. . .
HARD CRUSH~ T.T

Day 1 for CLASS =D

Yesterday was an enjoyable day
I ate a lot and puke a lot too . . .
not that it was fun vomiting but sometimes, things cant be controlled LOL

ANYWAY, My first day in class was SO far SO GOOD
I got to meet ERIC LEONG as my ID lecturer
He was FUN and really LIVELY
But . . . Yes there is a BUT

THE CLASS was BORING
I mean STUDENTS

Maybe it's 1st day I guess. . .
& another not so beautiful part is that
Boys are in limited numbers
Only 4 guys
And none was HANDSOME !!!! LOL

Well, I'm still looking for a partner so I was looking
LOL
But I did enjoy today =)

It was so called an interesting start in a NEW LIFE =)

A new LIFE~ fresh hopes..

Well, I'm finally here. .
To start a fresh start. .
To give work on what I enjoy doing. .
[crossing my fingers here]

Everything is not the same here which I had initially hope that it would
People here are more of an aloof type
Not much of a merry hostel unlike mine in KL
where the security was to come to our front door and asked us to lower our voices
Here, we can even hear the crikets sing

I'm missing home althought I really didnt want to admit it . .
My first night here was pretty rough . .
Kept on waking up and ended up with a headache in the morning where I was to take an entrance exam at 9.00am
Things didnt get better as rain started to pour after I've finish my exam
my ONLY PAIR of SHOES was soaked
sigh~

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Funny I kept on thinking about overseas and sees nothing here . .
It isnt that bad here so why ??
I wonder if it's the movies or stories I've heard about getting a dreamy job and a romantic guy who loves me there . . LOL
either way that is definately a stupid way to put things. .

Well, I wounldnt say I wish anymore because I noticed that I wish things to happen to much and I'm finally understanding that things wont just happen the way I wanted them too. . so I'll stick with
Well . . GAMBATEH! I know I can!
well at least I have a little fate in myself~