What's the Matter with ME ??

What's the matter with my LIFE ??
things should be going so well
SO FINE
So why am I having serious doubt about things ?? ?

Sometimes I really wonder if some of my hormones are missing~
It's not that I'm interested in GIRLS because I'M NOT!
and It's not like I want to be ALONE for the REST OF MY LIFE~
but the fact that I still am secretly having doubts in relationships is really effecting me

maybe it was my mum's doing.. .
Having a lot of comment about living a good life
That we'll never be happy if we were to life in a dreadful situation.. .
& by all means... WHO WOULD be happy that way ??? ?
I mean come on.. .
C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S to me.. . .
I'm no longer . . . . . .

I'm not sure about this at all.. .
At 1st I really wanted it but in the end,
After timeless of disappointment,
After having my heart ripped so many time.. .
I was happy that . . . sorry but the feelings I had didnt seem secured... .
I guess it worries me in a way.. .

I DO want things to work in my LIFE
I DO want my future career to support my living life style
I DO want to have someone whom I can share everything with
But is it ...... ?

I'm doubtful.. .
A trait which I hate in myself
I'm doubtful when choosing my college
& now I'm doubtful about my life~
I know
things might not end up the way I wanted it to in years to come
but I have no intention in leading others in a way I am not interested in.. .
Am I afraid or undecided ??

somehow I feel writing this out here will in a way hurts~
but I have no where else to turn to
My mum didnt understand what I was trying to convey or am I just terrible in trying to make others understand what I'm trying to say~
I was the one pushing things to happen
& when it did,
I felt as thought it was way to fast
I was the one who wanted this
But I felt so very uneasy being cared~

GOSH I'm so hard to please~
I'm CONFUSED~