I feel so depressed . . HELP ME!!

GOSH~ damn my life
So GOD when do you think you will stop making this joke out of me and my family ??
I thought you would stop once you feel that it's already enough ??

LIFE is So difficult . .
LIVING ia so diffucult . .
Why are chineese so afraid of living and so afraid of dying ??

Anyway . .
Life still continues whether I like it or not
I think I'm disturbing my Miss alot which I have no intention of making her feel that way
But I guess maybe I should really be more independent and depend less on others for help

Okay main topic . .
I'm hating nursing
Deciding to QUIT
But what am I going to do if I dont get a job ??
But truthfully is nursing really going to get me overseas since we MALAYSIAN NURSES are not even highly looked upon by them ...

But is it possible if I took up interior design it'll help me to get overseas ??
Will I be able to ??
Will I be able to outshine other talents ??
Will I be able to be OUTSTNADING ??
Do I have the talent ??
Or am I going to be another girl who dreams a lot . .
Who althougth worked hard will have nothing . .
Will I be the lucky one who will have a happy ending
Or am I going to be just another unimportant person who sits in the office and wait for things to happen

I've been asking this agian and again to God if His playing with me
But is He actually giving me chance ??
Is He by any chance helping ??

YEAH !!
I dont wan to be like my family
I dont want to just make ends meat
But I'm not looking down on them
I love my parents
that's why I dont want to be like them
I want them to have more
I want to repay them . .

I dont need them to praise me for thing which I will give them
I dont need those compliments
I just wanted them to enjoy
I want to help them in time of crisis
SO,
I dont want to be like my family
Because I wanted more in my future so to give back to my parents and still have some for my own family . .
AM I thinking too darn much
Or should I just go with the FLOW
be MERRY AND HAPPY
and HAPPY GO LUCKY
gosh ~ HELP ME
I'm so depressed . .
MID term is in 5 days..
NOt even having the mood to care about it..
GOD DAMN why CANT I be lucky ??

another DAY another reason to stay ALIVE

Well, I'm still wondering with what is happening nowadays . .
It seems that everything is still a big fog in my head

Psychology ~
hmm can I really do it with my EQ being just average ??
Nevermind about that
But how about the money I've wasted now ??
20K is not a small amount at all . .
Having my dad to pay for that due to my selfishness . .
Isnt this just too much ??
But I'm really glad that dad would bail me out this time

I'm happy that mum's planning on bringing me to S'pore to have a look at the colleges there
I'M happy that dad would allow me to think about other colleges too
Eventhough I'm already studying in one which I would say that it really is a pain . .


even so,

I'm sad that my parents are wasting so much money on me
I'm sad when I found out I was making my parents worry and unhappy about me when I kept on mentioning and complianing about how life have hated me here . .

I just am not satisfy with what I have
I needed things to be more
I want them to be more perfect

I just thought that maybe if I have my first step out from this country,
It will lead me to another
I need to get out of here
Right now
Right this instant'

Why can some people just be that lucky
Why cant I just be some of the people ??
Of course I do understand that when compared to others,
I'm already having more than enough
But I'm just not done yet
I'm just not satisfy with life just like this yet
Not until one day when I tell myself
''Even if the world would end today,
I wouldnt mind anymore
because I've already achieve all I've ever wanted ''

Well hoping that everything would work out well . .
BLESSINGS please =)

Had it Bad ~

Feeling really down about what had happened
It was not like I did it on purpose or something like that . .
I wasnt lying or anything
I was more to agreeing to everything . .
But I guess it's better that it ended out this way. .
I did wished to apologized
But I didnt want things to hold on without no ending

Mid term is drawing closer. .
My life is in a way getting duller
I couldnt pay full aattention because it seems that things are still getting in my head
I still am not sure What I Want IN MY LIFE . .
I've tried figuring out but it didnt seemed to work
My god !!! This LIFE of mine is such a mess . .
Why cant I be good in something so at least I know which ground to stand

Today, I planned on changing my course
and of course hopefully I could
I might consider taking psychology as I really find it interesting
To study about what human really thinks . .

But the problem I'm having is well
FINANCIAL PROBLEM~
It all comes back to money
No MONEY no TALK !!!
GOSH I really hate that annoyingly true proverb. .

If I could persue to somewhere else then, It's GoodBYE MALAYSIA and HELLO OVERSEAS
If not
Hello HELL.. goodbye FANTASY ~

sigh~ If I am only smarter than average people would be then, life wouldnt be this dreadful . . .

GOD ,
ARE you by any chance looking at me ???
GIVE some hint as to how I will lead my life . .
I need you !!~
sob . . .

Things are still just the same . . I'm still stupidly naive~

I'm still stupidly naive
Really wished I could say it out loud
But what happened was really something to be kept a secret

* No If it's something intimate happened between a man and a women, you got me WRONG
Nothing LIKE That HAPPENed~ ==''

But still, this is nothing to be proud off telling or even writing here
Just a few comments

I didnt know that I'm still this childish and naive
I didnt know that my stupidity is this shockingly high~

If this is ever read by my . . . . . ,
I dont even know how to face him . .
Of course I still understands that what had already happened is already a reality
A reality that I no longer have the control to say I didnt want it to happen . .
So I'm facing it . .
Just this time . .
No MORE ~
NOT any more . .
I SWEAR ~

KILL me if I every meet her again AFTER graduated or else, I might just KILL HER !!

Sem 2 is no fun at all..
I'm not suppose to do anything since I'm no longer anyone's leader
YA U READ CORRECTLY ! I QUIT !
So why do I still feel that I'm doing stuff I shouldnt be doing ??

Yesterday, a lecturer of mine told me to take the attendence
but i felt that it was not my duty as I told her 'I dont think I should do it''
as I passed the attendence to my leader, she was asking WHY ?? Just take the attendence . .

Today, she asked me to take the attendence again. . .
I wanted to reject but then I felt that she was staring at me so I took it unwillingly & [ finished my job ] =.=''

It was not that I didnt want to help or anything like that,
It just that we have a leader in class . .
So we should respect her exsistance because I was holding the pose before
& I know how it felt if the lecturer asked others instead of me to tick the attendence. . .
students might feel under-appriciated

Okay cut the small crappy unimportant stuff
Things gets even better later in class . .
This was the 1ST FUCKING time I skipped this FUCKING DAMN class . .
It was as if they were teaching..
GOD damn it!!
My name was written down because I SKIPPED THE FUCKING CLASS just because it was FUCKING MONDAY and TUESDAY
and my holiday continued on wed which wan the official holiday
SO WHAT ..
I took 2 days extra..
I PRODUCED my Medical Certificate right!!

So WHY on EARTH is the FUCKED up NO brains LECTURER breathing down my damn neck ??
showing her BOSSY lecturer CAN DO ANYTHING attitude to us . . .

WHY is she still holodng on to my MC and not passing it to the lecturer who is in charged of us ??

Is she somewhat holding grudge on me ??
Whatever did I did to her ??
Hey !! I'm HUMAN!! HUMANS get SICK!!
and this HUMAN here is SICK of LIFE . .
SICK of THIS FUCKING COLLEGE
SICK of ThIS FUCKING LECTURERS & THEIR FUCKING LECTURES . .


KILL ME IF I EVER MEET HER AFTER I GRADUATED OR ELSE, I MIGHT JUST KILL HER ! ! !

Today

Today, I'm finally back to where Education calls

&

I'm was confused and losted as I walked on my everyday pathway~
Why am I still here ??
I really hated this place
At this moment, I really wished I havent done such rash decision that is placing me to where I am now . . .
How did this happened ??

Life isnt fair is it sometimes . .
Having the slightest thought of my friends being overseas
Studying their diploma or degree~
Really brings my mood to the lowest level
Especially when I'm so far away from my parents

Gosh I missed home
Even thought I just reached here yesterday and had a week holiday at home
Gosh I hate here . .
Even thought it's just have been 8 months . .
How am I going to survive here for another 2 years + 2 months ??

Just plain happy =)

Things are finally turning around
at least I finally think it is . .
Well my dad came back from his holiday
bought a lot of electronic stuff
He even bought me an apple HP

just plain happy that I know that my dad cares =)
Not that I'm saying that my mum didnt


H.A.P.P.Y >.<

My HEAD hurts

I havent been deligent lately
Updating my blog nor my dairy as I used to
Well too much to do
Too much to think
But too little time to work eveything out

My coordination is terrible
As I fell down and knock my head
definately hurt my back and twisted my neck
Not to mention made a huge bump on the left side of my head
But the part that I loved the most when I tried to hold my tears
was when my dad and mum came to my rescue
My dad my holding my head up and my mum was huging me blaming it everthing to herself
Saying that she was the cause that I fell down
Of course deep down i knew I was to blame because I was the idiot who ran on wet floor
Gosh~ it still hurts