Soon .. .

I've been pretty lazy these few days . .
Havent been updating my dairy nor my blog

I'm excited at the very same time, I'm very nervous
about my new college
I really hope that this would really bring me overseas
I cant wait to start my new life
I cant wait to start my new college
I cant wait to do my first project
I cant wait to meet new people
I cant wait for anything . .
am really excited
but again, still very am afraid and nervous

Merry Christmas !! =)

To all, Merry Christmas ! !
Holidays is sure a season where everyone should be in PEACE
Me and my .... not so much

It's irritating to know that he wont want to return me My LAPTOP
I never said to GIVE him mine
It was just to borrow him
Because I didnt want to waste dad's money to get another one
But since dad took and fixed IT
(So , It's FUNCTIONAL NOW)
He still wants to HOLD on TO mine
Terrible !!!
ARHHHH . . ..

Fear In LIFE ~

Everybody have what they fear most in life . .
And for me, I was no exception . .
What I FEAR most in Life is unable to get a job I want
And if worst comes to worst is that If I EVER GET MARRIED,
I got into the wrong relationship and marriage was another disaster. .
it GETS worst . . what if KIDS are involve ?? @.@ GOD I am THINKING to DAMN much

anyway, things havent really actually happen . .
Life is still easy going for me
To be still under my parents care..
But I'm getting OLD &
Education isnt reaching it's most fruitful results yet
& I feel as thought I'm still hanging . . .
Although I've finally figured out what I want to invest what I want in my life - ARTS
It doesnt seem that it'll bring me far for I am still not confident with my work . .
& of course BOYS

Getting a BOYFRIEND is another hard task . . .

My aunt kept on stressing to me if I dont get a BF soon in my college years,
It'll be difficult for me to get marry in the future
HAHA ... how encouraging . . . .

so all well that ends well . . .
I was born well . .
with NO DEFORMITIES or any ABNORMALITIES
So I hope that everything will END up well . .

It's been tough . . .

After quitting nursing,
Offered was made by S'pore's hospitals
They are now recruiting nurses from Malaysia for those who are interested that is..
Well, I was but not anymore
I really do not want to try my luck no more
I have been going in and coming out from colleges twice now
And I dont plan on doing it the third time

I had a chat with my parents about the college I'll be taking in Jan
The biggest problem is that,
This college do not offer loans . .
In other words,
So far, students are funding themselves in the college (RICH KIDS)
sigh~

I do not really want to give in for this reason for the college I choose
But then, I really dont like K.. (in fact, I hate K..)
The E...... - not really interested
but these colleges offer me better than . . .
What to do??? what to do ???

What makes me think harder is that
when my dad told me that he thought that I'm loaning money from gov,
he didnt really need to pay much
But due to all this,
he shocked his head . . .
I didnt know how to react to it
But I was really guilty . . .
I'm using his savings to survive & for my selfish needs . .

AND what if I dont get a job ??
How am I suppose to repay his deed ??

This is just so difficult
I just wished that I could run away from all this
I really wished that I have a fantasy land where I can hide
But I guess this is reality
If I were to stay in my dream land things would ended out worst
well,
the faster I realize that the world is getting tough,
The faster I'll face the truth and deal with it
----------------------------------------

I'm getting worried about a lot of things
Am my parents financially prepared for all my expenses ??
Am I ready to face my fear in the design world ??
Am I able to cope with all this ??
Am I suitable for this course ??

I dont deserve all this!!

My only wish now is that when one day really comes and I'm dealing so far so good in my life,
I wish that I have saved up something special for my parents for all they had done for me
SUPPORTING me
LOVING ME
& BELIEVING me

althought I'm worry myself (so is my dad)if I couldnt get a job one day
WELL, I wish fate isnt cruel

Dont ASK~

(7.12.2010)
Dont ask me how
Dont ask me when
Dont ask me anything
How did I lose my phone
How did all my memories I had in my phone
the pictures I took together with my friends
All vanish in a day
I wanted to be sad
But my emotions are not really there
I was numb and shock as to how it all happened ??

I was confused
I am desperate to know what my LIFE is getting to . .
It was suppose to be a happy day for me with my friends
as I was going to leave Kl soon . .
I QUIT nursing and I was glad that all my burden finally went away


But,


(8.12.2010)
my dad was bothering me
How ??
By not saying a word ~
I dont know what he's thinking about me quitting nursing
I had no idea what he was thinking when I told him I lost my phone
He did not scold me as I had wished him to
TO at least ease how I'm feeling . .
The financial problems my dad is facing must be a burden
when I saw him smoking
It must be difficult to have me as his demanding daughter

I hate myself for being selfish too
I wanted to make a promise
To make my parents life easy
But What if I cant make it ??
WELL, it's not up to me to decide. .
I'll just have to give my 110% in everything I'll do

Dont ask me how,
But

If; When I'm sad,
I'll think about how sad my parents will be for me

If; When I'm stuck and out of idea,
I'll think about the money that my parents had used on me to bail me out and for me to start a fresh new one

If; When I think I'm going to fail,
I'll think about how disappointed my parents will on me

I wish things would go well . . PLEASE ~

Finally

Finally I'm saying I QUIT!!
Well, I told my lecturer today & she was shock !!
WAS REALLY SHOCK when I told her I want to quit ~
Well, I was a good student and I understands most of the classes
So it's hard to not get good impression XP

Unfortunately,
I'll still have to sit for my test tomorrow
Because IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY . . . =.=''
sigh~
How could she put it that way . . .
I didnt study . .
How are my RESULTS going to be the best if it's like that ??
I still want to maintain my top position too when I leave at least . .
At least it gives a bit of something to showoff >.<

I feel so depressed . . HELP ME!!

GOSH~ damn my life
So GOD when do you think you will stop making this joke out of me and my family ??
I thought you would stop once you feel that it's already enough ??

LIFE is So difficult . .
LIVING ia so diffucult . .
Why are chineese so afraid of living and so afraid of dying ??

Anyway . .
Life still continues whether I like it or not
I think I'm disturbing my Miss alot which I have no intention of making her feel that way
But I guess maybe I should really be more independent and depend less on others for help

Okay main topic . .
I'm hating nursing
Deciding to QUIT
But what am I going to do if I dont get a job ??
But truthfully is nursing really going to get me overseas since we MALAYSIAN NURSES are not even highly looked upon by them ...

But is it possible if I took up interior design it'll help me to get overseas ??
Will I be able to ??
Will I be able to outshine other talents ??
Will I be able to be OUTSTNADING ??
Do I have the talent ??
Or am I going to be another girl who dreams a lot . .
Who althougth worked hard will have nothing . .
Will I be the lucky one who will have a happy ending
Or am I going to be just another unimportant person who sits in the office and wait for things to happen

I've been asking this agian and again to God if His playing with me
But is He actually giving me chance ??
Is He by any chance helping ??

YEAH !!
I dont wan to be like my family
I dont want to just make ends meat
But I'm not looking down on them
I love my parents
that's why I dont want to be like them
I want them to have more
I want to repay them . .

I dont need them to praise me for thing which I will give them
I dont need those compliments
I just wanted them to enjoy
I want to help them in time of crisis
SO,
I dont want to be like my family
Because I wanted more in my future so to give back to my parents and still have some for my own family . .
AM I thinking too darn much
Or should I just go with the FLOW
be MERRY AND HAPPY
and HAPPY GO LUCKY
gosh ~ HELP ME
I'm so depressed . .
MID term is in 5 days..
NOt even having the mood to care about it..
GOD DAMN why CANT I be lucky ??

another DAY another reason to stay ALIVE

Well, I'm still wondering with what is happening nowadays . .
It seems that everything is still a big fog in my head

Psychology ~
hmm can I really do it with my EQ being just average ??
Nevermind about that
But how about the money I've wasted now ??
20K is not a small amount at all . .
Having my dad to pay for that due to my selfishness . .
Isnt this just too much ??
But I'm really glad that dad would bail me out this time

I'm happy that mum's planning on bringing me to S'pore to have a look at the colleges there
I'M happy that dad would allow me to think about other colleges too
Eventhough I'm already studying in one which I would say that it really is a pain . .


even so,

I'm sad that my parents are wasting so much money on me
I'm sad when I found out I was making my parents worry and unhappy about me when I kept on mentioning and complianing about how life have hated me here . .

I just am not satisfy with what I have
I needed things to be more
I want them to be more perfect

I just thought that maybe if I have my first step out from this country,
It will lead me to another
I need to get out of here
Right now
Right this instant'

Why can some people just be that lucky
Why cant I just be some of the people ??
Of course I do understand that when compared to others,
I'm already having more than enough
But I'm just not done yet
I'm just not satisfy with life just like this yet
Not until one day when I tell myself
''Even if the world would end today,
I wouldnt mind anymore
because I've already achieve all I've ever wanted ''

Well hoping that everything would work out well . .
BLESSINGS please =)

Had it Bad ~

Feeling really down about what had happened
It was not like I did it on purpose or something like that . .
I wasnt lying or anything
I was more to agreeing to everything . .
But I guess it's better that it ended out this way. .
I did wished to apologized
But I didnt want things to hold on without no ending

Mid term is drawing closer. .
My life is in a way getting duller
I couldnt pay full aattention because it seems that things are still getting in my head
I still am not sure What I Want IN MY LIFE . .
I've tried figuring out but it didnt seemed to work
My god !!! This LIFE of mine is such a mess . .
Why cant I be good in something so at least I know which ground to stand

Today, I planned on changing my course
and of course hopefully I could
I might consider taking psychology as I really find it interesting
To study about what human really thinks . .

But the problem I'm having is well
FINANCIAL PROBLEM~
It all comes back to money
No MONEY no TALK !!!
GOSH I really hate that annoyingly true proverb. .

If I could persue to somewhere else then, It's GoodBYE MALAYSIA and HELLO OVERSEAS
If not
Hello HELL.. goodbye FANTASY ~

sigh~ If I am only smarter than average people would be then, life wouldnt be this dreadful . . .

GOD ,
ARE you by any chance looking at me ???
GIVE some hint as to how I will lead my life . .
I need you !!~
sob . . .

Things are still just the same . . I'm still stupidly naive~

I'm still stupidly naive
Really wished I could say it out loud
But what happened was really something to be kept a secret

* No If it's something intimate happened between a man and a women, you got me WRONG
Nothing LIKE That HAPPENed~ ==''

But still, this is nothing to be proud off telling or even writing here
Just a few comments

I didnt know that I'm still this childish and naive
I didnt know that my stupidity is this shockingly high~

If this is ever read by my . . . . . ,
I dont even know how to face him . .
Of course I still understands that what had already happened is already a reality
A reality that I no longer have the control to say I didnt want it to happen . .
So I'm facing it . .
Just this time . .
No MORE ~
NOT any more . .
I SWEAR ~

KILL me if I every meet her again AFTER graduated or else, I might just KILL HER !!

Sem 2 is no fun at all..
I'm not suppose to do anything since I'm no longer anyone's leader
YA U READ CORRECTLY ! I QUIT !
So why do I still feel that I'm doing stuff I shouldnt be doing ??

Yesterday, a lecturer of mine told me to take the attendence
but i felt that it was not my duty as I told her 'I dont think I should do it''
as I passed the attendence to my leader, she was asking WHY ?? Just take the attendence . .

Today, she asked me to take the attendence again. . .
I wanted to reject but then I felt that she was staring at me so I took it unwillingly & [ finished my job ] =.=''

It was not that I didnt want to help or anything like that,
It just that we have a leader in class . .
So we should respect her exsistance because I was holding the pose before
& I know how it felt if the lecturer asked others instead of me to tick the attendence. . .
students might feel under-appriciated

Okay cut the small crappy unimportant stuff
Things gets even better later in class . .
This was the 1ST FUCKING time I skipped this FUCKING DAMN class . .
It was as if they were teaching..
GOD damn it!!
My name was written down because I SKIPPED THE FUCKING CLASS just because it was FUCKING MONDAY and TUESDAY
and my holiday continued on wed which wan the official holiday
SO WHAT ..
I took 2 days extra..
I PRODUCED my Medical Certificate right!!

So WHY on EARTH is the FUCKED up NO brains LECTURER breathing down my damn neck ??
showing her BOSSY lecturer CAN DO ANYTHING attitude to us . . .

WHY is she still holodng on to my MC and not passing it to the lecturer who is in charged of us ??

Is she somewhat holding grudge on me ??
Whatever did I did to her ??
Hey !! I'm HUMAN!! HUMANS get SICK!!
and this HUMAN here is SICK of LIFE . .
SICK of THIS FUCKING COLLEGE
SICK of ThIS FUCKING LECTURERS & THEIR FUCKING LECTURES . .


KILL ME IF I EVER MEET HER AFTER I GRADUATED OR ELSE, I MIGHT JUST KILL HER ! ! !

Today

Today, I'm finally back to where Education calls

&

I'm was confused and losted as I walked on my everyday pathway~
Why am I still here ??
I really hated this place
At this moment, I really wished I havent done such rash decision that is placing me to where I am now . . .
How did this happened ??

Life isnt fair is it sometimes . .
Having the slightest thought of my friends being overseas
Studying their diploma or degree~
Really brings my mood to the lowest level
Especially when I'm so far away from my parents

Gosh I missed home
Even thought I just reached here yesterday and had a week holiday at home
Gosh I hate here . .
Even thought it's just have been 8 months . .
How am I going to survive here for another 2 years + 2 months ??

Just plain happy =)

Things are finally turning around
at least I finally think it is . .
Well my dad came back from his holiday
bought a lot of electronic stuff
He even bought me an apple HP

just plain happy that I know that my dad cares =)
Not that I'm saying that my mum didnt


H.A.P.P.Y >.<

My HEAD hurts

I havent been deligent lately
Updating my blog nor my dairy as I used to
Well too much to do
Too much to think
But too little time to work eveything out

My coordination is terrible
As I fell down and knock my head
definately hurt my back and twisted my neck
Not to mention made a huge bump on the left side of my head
But the part that I loved the most when I tried to hold my tears
was when my dad and mum came to my rescue
My dad my holding my head up and my mum was huging me blaming it everthing to herself
Saying that she was the cause that I fell down
Of course deep down i knew I was to blame because I was the idiot who ran on wet floor
Gosh~ it still hurts

What I Had in LIFE . . I expects too much

A lot had happened these few days that made me really unhappy
I was sad about a lot of things
I was sad about what that is happening to me
I was really down about my life . .
I wish I had more
I wish I had some guide
I really wish I had a glimpse of my future . .
But in reality,
This is what I've got . .

I really couldnt settle it all by myself
I guess what my bro said to my parents was all "rigths" after all
I only looked tough at the outside but not the inside . .

I thought about a lot of things that is going on
& I understands that life have to move on
But the fact and the thought that after hearing what mum had to say,
It actually made me realise that,
Not everyone is always that happy about what they want in life.
My mum says that if I were to really want to stop what I'm studying now,
Dadddy will bail me out this time. .
In other words, he will pay for the 20K that I owe government
Knowing of what he would do to help me really touches me deeply and made me cried
Mum also told me that she wont stop me from what I wanted to study
But the tell the truth,
What is it that I really want in THIS FREAKING LIFE OF MINE ???
to get out of MALAYSIA ??

I cried alot more nowadays
& how old am I ?
anyway, I'm still so confused
althought,
I am glad that no matter what happens,
Mum and Dad will be here for me
To support me no matter what mistakes that I made
Although I also know that if I were to really decide to quit,
This will be my only and last chance.
Financially, I guess this is the best a parent can do for a child
I love you Mum !
I love you Dad !
I'm sorry that I'm being so childish
I'm SORRY

An Apology

I guessed it was an apology that I actually wanted after all..
After the apology,
I somewhat felt better . .
or, am I just to darn naive ?
Does this mean that I'm giving her chance to sneek back into my life
& get hurt all over again ?
Nevertheless,
I'm not taking any chances

I know that in Life,
We are bound to trust the wrong person
But, that doesnt mean that we should shun ourselves from the society
It just means that we need to be more careful on who we trust next time.

Althought after her apology,
I wasnt really that mad & actually felt guilty for writting all the bad stuff she did to me
I'll still be careful around her . .
She is definately not as simple as she looked - really cunning and sly~

OOOhhhhh I PASS MY OSCE EXAM
Hurray for myslef =)

So SICK so Terrible~ *cough

My chest hurts due to my terrible cough
Or is it hurting due to something else ?

Last night, I couldnt breath due to my nose being blocked by excessive mucus =.=''
Coughing the whole night trying to sleep
But in the end, woke up due to nausea
My temperature went up again
&
This is for the first time in my entire life a minor fever would last this long
Pity right ?
But then, who am I to blame for all that is happening to me ?

I was the one who delibrately ignore my first dose of medication when I found out that I had fever
I was the one who delibrately skiped my medication
I was the one who delibrately consciously making my immune system weak
so, who am I to blame?
nobody but myself

To tell the truth, I really wished that my fever could be an excuse for me to skip college
But, darn my conscious mental ability
I guess I'm stronger than what I picture myself to be

& LAST NIGHT

People can be so inconsiderate
Knowing that someone is really sick in the room trying to get some decent rest before studying for the Finals
They can still invite friends to the hostel and start a TAMIL group discussion
Laughing and shouting
Switching on thier TAMIL BEAT as loud as them
I really couldnt understand
Is she doing this purposely ??
Or have she no idea of how loud her voice is ??

Please Understand~

Please understand that I need some time alone my dear parents
I know by now, you would think that I'm so irresponsible
Switching off my phone just like that
..................................................................................................................

I know that your worry mum. . .
I would too if I'm in your shoes
If I were to hear my daughter crying so sadly on the other line
Crying her little lungs out
Coughing her little tonsils until it swells

but, at this stage, I just want to be alone
Let me think for a while without distraction

I'm so sorry if I were to cause you sleepless nights thinking about me
But PLEASE UNDERSTAND,
I'm FINE
I wont do something as silly as suicide just because of this small issue
It's so not worth it if i die..

So please dont worry
I LOVE YOU MUM AND DAD
so, PLEASE UNDERSTAND ~

Pulling up my socks ! !

-F R I E N D S-

------------------------------------------------

I'm learning so give me some time..
Its hard to judge someone
BUt being effected but someone so not worth my concern it's even more stupid
so, I'm buckling up !
I'm PULLING UP MY SOCKS !
I'M not going to let her ruin my happy days in college
so not worth it..

Avoiding her
makes me think less
Althought I really need to gear up

All this heartbreaks and sleepless nights are taking the soul out of me
I really need some rest. . .

My fever is not subsiding but it actually increase..
Ohh, how my throat hurts

I had better chat with my classmates too today excluding her of course
because whenever I looked at her,
I feel so SICK
So disgusted

I guess, It's really obvious to what had happen between us to the class
so I wonder if she knew ??

p/s if any of you who are reading this blog and thinks you know who,
less keep this a secret between ourselves =)
I dont wish to cause havoc in class as you do know how
she talks and react dont you. . so that is the reason why I
kept quite for what she had done to me

SIGH~ today . . .

Today was not different from any other days
Except that the fact that I'm really stressed up
So stressed up with the Class
With my Friends
With this college
As I finally broke down and cried

I used to have a very strong immune system
Not effected even if the storm hits me.
But, this part of life, it's different.
It didnt hit me physically but emotinally.

Having to deal with the noisy class everyday,
Having to deal with all these people around me
Really hit me hard & slow..
I know I shouldnt have put everything at heart
But, she was someone I trusted and believed in
If someone like that could back-stab you,
What kind of world am I going to face next time ?
sigh~ this definately prove to me that I'm not good in judgement at all

I'm Sorry . .

I felt much better letting out what had happened to me
Writting in my blog
Writting in FB
& taking a big long nap

I thought about what I did
Maybe I had it too much
Maybe I've said too much
I'm sorry. . .

I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone
I'm sorry if I've made anyone felt uncomfortable
but please understand,
I'm human too
Dont push me too hard
because if I fall,
It hurts too . . .

I'm sorry . .

I HATE MY CLASS

Believe me when I say I hate my class...
My life is so so so much better with them hunting me to the ground haha ==''
It's not that I didnt like to help
But they really are pushing their luck

They acted as if I like scolding them
Some of my friends even thought that I'm have menstrual when I'm just fine due to my mood
They were the one's that F-ingly boiled my blood
Class please be quite..
Shh.. class dont make noise
Shhhhh...

Did anyone listen to me ??
yea- Me ...

Then it came to this..
The worst of all nightmares~ GROUP ASSIGNMENT

It's written in the name ~ G R O U P <- in other words,it means more than a person doing something with CO-OPERATION & TEAMWORK
How did I end up doing it all by myself
When they can have their own sweet time chit chatting here and there
Going out with boyfriends
& lazying around without any bother to even help out
HEY, it's not my work !! it's OUR WORK !!


THE BEST PART IS YET TO COME
hahaha.. one of them even asked me to go to her hostel & give her the NOTEs THAT I DID ! !
So C . L . E . V . E . R~
& of course I stupidly did
I spoon feed them after I chewed for them ==''
I gave them my notes - sigh sad isnt it ??
hmm.. after that, what happened next...
HA HA HA ... = =''
I gave them a part to read
& then
Then..


...

...


Then...



WHAT HAPPENed ??
They F-ingkly read S H I T ! ! worst then SHIT it was total B U L L S H I T ! ! ! !

Is it that hard to pronounce ENGLISH if you have effort of going throught what I chew and SPOON feeded you ??
I couldn't even imagine how bad did my group of SO - CALLED - FRIENDS did during the presentation with their .. em ar arr.. . .
They totally wasted my energy rushing for this annoying piece of presentation where it eats up around a few days (nearly a week plus) making me unable to do my revision..
If i knew that they were going to read SHIT, I wouldnt have done such a good job on preparing it
I would give them SHIT instead...
Althought, it was nice to get a praise for what I DID by the lecturer herself...

of course some helped so big applause to them & for those who took effort in looking throught the notes and practise reading it, trillion thanks * sincerely ~ WEEE for them


IN conclusion . . . ..
I am SO F... UP because of YOU!! - cohort 15A
THANKS FOR RUINING MY LIFE =)
I couldnt have done it without you !!!

I so HATE HER ! ! !

Being nice to people and then torture them is the most cruel way of tormenting a person..

I was stupid to believe in her..
That she was
Nice . . .
Kind . . .
Genorous . . .
Patience . . .

WHAT a LIE ! ! WHAT a JOKE ! ! WHAT BULLSHIT ! !
It was all a lie when I found out that she always blames me for things I did not do

EG
My housemates would asked her.. How did the warden found out that something something happened?
She would GLADLY use my name in everything
MICHELLE told her ==''
MICHELLE did it..

But, it was her that DID IT ! when she told me to keep quite about it..
Now she turn the whole story around ??
Gosh she should really resign from being a nurse.. an atress would be more fitted for her...
What a good Drama
What a good Show

I really am annoyed as I am always being with her..
How am I supposed to STAND this kind of behaviour ??
What have I done to her to make her want to spoilt my image
How many lies did she said about me??

Well I guess is that AVOIDING her is the BEST SOLUTION
JUST BE NICE !! ==''

=) So far So GOOD ??

So far so good is the best slogan I've used so FAR
It doesnt make u look coccky and it answers to some people's question

My wish came true yesterday having him to message me =)
Gosh I was happy
He even scored well in his test
Well that is a great news too isnt it

But happy ending doesnt really last long dont they??
So I guess, this is still a So far So GOOD case~

Wishing for something that may never happen

I'm having seriuos madness
Having to look at my tiny screen to see a message alert
Trying to wish and hope for something nowadays seem so impossible
Life's hard isnt it..
It's harder when you decide that you want to give up

Having to wonder what is he thinking
Doing
Is all driving me up the wall~
God do I hate him ! ! !

BOYS are really JACK ASSES ! ! !

BOYS are really JACK ASSES !!
Always using their F.U .. S.O.A.B and so on..
Doesnt mean that they like saying it that we like reading or hearing it
And saying that we're wrong that we cant understand them
What do you mean I cant understand??

Hey I'm ENGLISH EDU. I know what F means
I used them too but not as much as you do as to complete ur F-ing sentence I dont
F U C K ! ! !

Tired Of .. . .

I'm so tired..
Having to do this and that
Helping others doing this and that
But have they ever noticed that sometimes I just need some rest ??

I tired of Him~
having to chase after false dreams
althought I knew it from the beginning

But have he ever said that he was after me?
or giving some little hint that this is all worth my time doing??
sms-ing him althought I didnt wish to just to get a reply..
How sickening and pathetic can I get ?

I wonder how long will it get for me to get over this TIRED life of mine..

In Dilemma~

I really have no idea what I want in Life~
So, TELL ME WHAT I WANT IN LIFE ??
The overly complicated decision that I need to make in life is stressting the Hell out of me!!

my final Test is drawing closer as my mood nowadays swings to a more moodier wheather...
Progress arent working for my test as I'm not understanding what I'm studying~

Having to work all alone doing 10 person's assignment without proper help is also slaughtering me alive!!

they are so many things that I wish to let loose
I want to be finally be able to say I QUIT
I want out in LIFE
I want ...
I want..

( Sigh )

LIFE isnt fair or am I just thinking too damn much ??

here, I'm liking a guy which i was afraid to confess~
Is it telling him that ''I LIKE you'' that difficult ??
Actually telling him was not a problem
It's the after-math I'm worry about

See, I'm planning that no matter what, I wont want to work in Malaysia~
I'll definately migrate out from this country
But if out relationship ever develope,
We will be seperated by trillion miles away~

It wont be fair is it ??
sigh~ kill me!!

Yesterday, I purposely ask a few Questions that may lead me to his answer
But, he didnt really answered me~

So hating this feeling~

From Aww To ISH~

Okay it's undenialble that I had a BLAST these days; having a time of my LIFE
chatting,sms-ing and the best part, I was even able to MEET HIM =)
Thinking about every moment really made my day brighter with smiles


Today chat was as usual..
but I guess I had it too much~
in the end,
sigh~ ignore me ==''

Cloud NINE

This feeling;
The chills in heart as though my organs were tingling inside me
This feeling;
Getting all nervous and grins all the time is making me embarassed
This feeling;
is so cloud nine

I'm so happy today couldnt even describe
but I was wondering if he felt the same way too..

well dont u think that 18 is the sweetest number ?
I'm 18
today's 18th
& the 1st day we met
was 18th

P/s Hope that he'll never read this ever!!!

What I've learn today ~ Appreciation

so, I had a visit to my previous school C O N V E N T
I had a chat with my teachers and my juniors =)

Everything was so fine today until I was asked if I really wanted what I was studying ?
I really wonder~
Even my art teacher said that am creative.. actually I guess that is all I wanted to know all along~
I'm clueless about my future
so I'm actually hoping that I'm leading the correct one =)
I wanted everything to be perfect for my family when I grow up..
I wanted my parents to be happy
I wanted them to enjoy LIFE as much as I love them


I never thought telling someone that is so dear to me to a friend of mine would help me appreciate them more
Maybe because it helps me to think back about what they had done for me..
All the trouble they took
All the mess they made
All the time they wasted
All the money they spent &
All the energy they used
Just to help me..

As time goes by, this actually made me see how much my parents LOVE and CARE for me

HER. . . .. . .. .

"The clock is ticking,
My head is pounding,
My heart is beating,
& so am I breathing..

This is everything that everyone is experiencing unless your not living..
& Irritation.. is one that i'm experiencing"

Guess what ??
In everyday life, people experience all sorts of different emotions
they discover who they really are
and I guess, having my cousin over is really making me understanding who I really avoiding to be..
~Turing me into someone bad

She is always that inconsiderate thinking that everyone owes it to her
That we should do things for her just because that she is our guest
BUt have she ever heard of OVERLY WELCOME GUEST are A DRAG~
Switching everything on without permission,
acting this is as if her own curb
Asking me to do things for her
WHICH I THINK it totally just for her...

How selfish can she be of a girl.. DO she think that everyone like and owe it to her ??
GOD DAMN how I need to tolerate with her!!

she really know how to boil my blood ..
ARGH~
ahhhh...
check this check that for her..
do this bring that for her..
WHAT do she take me as ??
her personal holiday maid ?
HEY I'm on holiday too..

trying to please her is a manner and I know that & that is why I'm tolerating her
But do she know that I'm doing this is just a volunteer
It not a must; It's just a favour..


PLEASE my dear, I dont give a damn


HER parents are nothing like that..
More well taught and like
What happen to her ??
Is it because of KL too much??

EMbaRRaSSmenT~

It was a Happy Ending I was hoping~
The tingling excitement which I keeped on imagining in my head
How we would meet and all..
But it all went down the drain after a phone called
which was made by me
when he said EM.. quite busy~ GOSH

E M B A R R A S S I N G argh~

Why On EARTH do I nEED someone like him~
and who on earth am I caring so damn much about it ?? He'd not anyone to me..
I'm just loosing it maybe because he's TALL and FAIR~
so I guess APPEARENCE DOES matter..

My TuMMY is BLOATING~

1st of all, I would like to announce that I LOVE MY FAMILY~
I had a blast in Penang together with my family..
My dad treated me RM76.80 ice cream which I myself would never imagine eating (Haagen-Dazs)
Even my mum was shock that my dad brought us there
That was when mum told me that HOW MUCH my DAD LOVES ME!~
and at that moment, I made another vow that I would always want my DAD to eat whatever he wanted to eat without any hesitation~ even if it means RM10,000 for just a small cup of coffee
If he wants it, HE'LL HAVE IT!!

Althought I had fun, but the fun only started when I arrived because, my journey was a terrible one.. My head HURTS & My stomoch CHURNS

OVERALL total FUN~

Today, we even had BBQ
GOD DAMN I'M FULL ==
my TUMMY IS BLOATING with all the tender, love, and care from my FAMILY...
Yogurt, Vitagen, Pau, BBQ chicken, sausage, bean soup, TIRAMISU, home-made fresh juice, curry fish, Penang Laksa, SatAY, Osyter, and so lot more.. you want it, YOU GOT IT!!..
HOW on EARTH am I not GOING TO GROW FAT!!~
TOO much tender, love and kindness from mum and dad... =='

Tell me that I'm SELFISH

I hate that I'm not smart
I hate that I'm not Miss Universe
I hate that I'm not unique in any special WAY
I hate that my parents are not RICH
But I am thankful that I'm not disabled in anyway
I'm thankful that my parents care
I'm thankful that I'm still able to fill my stomach
I'm thankful that I have more than enough

ALTHOUGHT,

I wanted a better LIFE
I wanted everything I envied others that I dont
I need a HAPPY ENDING
I NEED A FIARY TALE...

I know that this is GREED
But this is HUMAN we're talking about
we might not say it
but deep down
we envied it~
so dont deny it...