soonER or LAter~

I felt like giving up even before telling him now
I felt all this is just too much too handle
I felt all I did is just too damn silly
I felt I'm thinking him too much

even when I'm having sleepless nights
He was the one who came to my mind first

I told my bro about this today and it made me felt worst when I heard him through the other line all concern about me
I felt blessed having him as my brother
to comfort me and to reason with me
He told me that this relationship would not work but if I really am going to try,
he said go ahead
He did not supported me because he thinks that long relation would not work
I think so too but
I'm now I had already madly crazily fallen for him
but still,
my bro, He's giving me his full support when he heard me sobbing on the other line

I really need to see him this Chinese New Year
Although I know that this would probably ruin all my coming Chinese New Years
But . ..
I guess I can no longer hold on to it any longer~
I feel that I might just break
sooner or later
&
sooner or later,
I'll still need to face him
so why not now~

I cant IMAGINE if he says No

Thinking about it itself is already starting to bring tears in my eyes
I mean come on

I was madly in love with him when I first saw him
I admit I was attracted to him by the way he looked at the outside first
But later when I got to know more
It was like I was unable to even compare other guys with him anymore

He do not smoke
He do not drink alcohols
He's tall
He's fair
He's nice
but the only thing which is not perfect is that 'I love him more than he does to me'

I gave him 100% but it was like he was only returning 20% to me
I cant believe I'm writing it here but I guess when you really loves someone
you dont really care what others think anymore~

I did all those silly little things which my friends would usually jokingly tell me
as in
'' stop reading the messages again. .. It'll last longer if you copy it''
and I told her, '' already did''
and she would go totally blank ~

then I would also not have any guys taking picture with me alone because I wanted my 1st picture to be taken with him
NOT only that,
I would not even mind buying things or taking time to make something which I think he would like although I know that I would never have a chance giving it to him. ..

but I'm getting tired
I'm so tired of waiting
He's just being so cold towards me~
when I asked for the reason why he's sad,
He would just not answer
and when he finally did, he says
''Don't force me okay ?''
what am I suppose to say after that ?? ?

do He thinks that I would go asked anyone randomly when I see someone's sad ??
I just wanted to know more about him~

I felt so hurt after he said that after which I had hope that he would tell me what was wrong~
& I replied, take care then~

I felt that this coming Chinese New Year after my confession,
My eyes would be as puffy as a goldfish~
somewhat, I just know that things would go wrong
but I still want to tell it to him face to face~
at least if he rejects this time,
I'll have no regrets anymore
& this would finally end~

I called that DUMB~

Although it's more to innocent
Well I dont really get what BOYS think
but I do know EGO~

Which book of BOYS & GIRLS said that BOYS should always pay for a female FRIEND ??
Which Book of BOYS & GIRLS said that BOYS should not take back money from a FEMALE FRIEND ??

If I were to come across such a book, I'll definitely BURN it !!!
DUMB BOOK!! not to mention WORTHLESS!!!

I'm really unhappy just now as to what had happened~
I was going for my lunch with my friends (newly met friends)
OKAY & I get it, if everyone wants to be nice
But I definitely do not want to be a burden to anyone

This guy friend of mine is really nice to me
& I felt that we should have a border between us as in I should not take advantage of people's kindness towards me
so, today when he bought me sandwiches, I paid him back which he refused to take
I dont understand !! ! !
I DONT UNDERSTAND AT ALL ! !

JUST TAKE THE MONEY !!!
I hate owing people favors especially when he kept on helping me
I felt as thought I had become someone's burden !! & I hate that feeling

UnFORTUNELY when he kept on refusing to take the money & I kept on forcing him to take
It was said that I was trying to make him look bad which I had no idea I was doing it
I was totally clueless of my action until a friend of mine told me after he left with another guy

I had no IDEA THAT GUYS WERE THAT EGOISTIC!!

He made me felt really bad when he left with another guy very soon after eating and then not bothered to even say bye
I guess he was mad~

That friend of him on the other hand really am inconsiderate
I mean come on
you dont have to tell me so many times as I am not deaf
Kept on saying that I nag~

Besides I was talking to another friend so why do he need to bother if I talk a lot or whatever
isnt what he's doing called ease-dropping ??
didnt he know that it's damn RUDE ??
sigh~
I discuss the matter with some friends there who is still sitting there
well~ it was a situation where one is too generous and another who did not want to owe anyone anything

= =''

MONEY is so important!!
Why did he bother to even refuse~
I'm not that poor
Sandwiches by far I still can handle

getting LAZY~

I wonder if I'm getting lazy or am I just having too much work nowadays compared
to last time when I used to have a lots of free time. . .

neh~ it's me I guess because I would usually complain being boring and having nothing to do at all~
Hmm .. But i'm wondering why am I skipping my everyday dairy . ..

maybe it's because nothing special really happen & i'm growing tired of writing nothing there
sigh~ anyway,
I'm getting terrible insomnia and headaches.. .. .
I just cant stop thinking about a certain someone which is a total drag since I know he wont be thinking about me ==''

I'm trying my best here.. .
even had him in my dreams rejecting me. .
T.T life isnt fair~

sobs~

Simple but Complicated Life~ lol. .. what does that even MEAN ??

I am having a blast here.. .
Meeting and making new friends
Going out
Chatting
Eating
Laughing
Caring
Sharing
all the little things that is making life GREAT!! LIVELY!! LOUD!! and MEANINGFUL!!

I mean Life doesnt get better than this.. ..
especially having friends that have CARS
so LIKING IT!!

I am happy
but whenever I think about that insensitive guy~
ohh .. .. . how my blood boils~
sigh~
planning on something .. .
but well,
I'll still think about it.. .

Days is college ~ what can I say

Life is getting worked out. . .
But I still cant get my photoshop working since I have no Idea AT ALL as to how to crack the code =='' (NOT A NERD) lol

besides that, I am getting hang of myself being just fine
College is getting so far so good too as usual &
we friends are just getting to know each other more. ..

Nothing extraordinary but as I have pictured it . ..
FUh~but damn LOTS OF ASSIGNMENT . ...

To tell the truth, I really wish I could change my laptop
This laptop I'm using is nothing but trouble. .
IF I had continued nursing which I didnt, this laptop would be just fine
but Now, it's nothing but slowing down all my work... ..
Battery problem, CD-ROM problem. ..
It would be fine if it's only using in hostel. ..
but changing it would mean using a large amount of money again
& the worst part, Chinese New Year is coming. . .
I cant burden my parents anymore. . ..
Having them to pay my PTPTN for 13K +
& the money using to start a new college. . . this is just too much ...
So, for short~ well, just deal with it.. .
sigh~ life eh.. .. .

sigh~

I deactivated my account in FB today
Well maybe seeing him online and not chatting with him
is a bit how to you say ...
anyway, I felt as though I was always the one who initiates the first move
How I wish that I was a boy and not a GIRL~

I'm still a little depressed or should I say unhappy about his insensitive remarks
I wont say I am giving up because I know it wont work
Because if it does, it would have already work LONG TIME AGO

But I am going to take a rest from all this. ..
I would stop the messages from now until Chinese New Year comes so to give him a wish
other then that,
I would now disconnect my world with the outside world for a while
other then meeting people outside, e-mails, and my blog

* depressed ~

I feel so ~

S T U P I D to even care . . . .
What am I doing ??
I'm doing this for about so many months now
& GOD, I'm so tired !!!

The sickening emotion that makes me
So angry
So sick
So FRUSTRATED !!!

I kept asking myself again and again . . .
Why do I care ??

truthfully, I really wish to CRY
I really feel like blurring my eyes with tears
I really FEEL LIKE hey!
Who do you think you are ??

& what keeps me holding on is the thought that
the way . . use to . . . . to me
I could see predictions on him
as thought I would know what to expect
I just do although sometimes, it would be inaccurate

I really hate him but why do I still get all excited every time I see his message ???
GOD damn I'm blind
But God damn it I was BLIND enough to see him . . .

I really hate those times when he says goodnight
but what am I suppose to do ??
I wonder if telling him that I . . ....
was the right move?
considering that everything now is way more awkward that ever !!!
I couldnt say things lightly anymore because in a way,
THINGS MEANT SOMETHING at least to me when i wrote it
but he'll always take it as a joke
but thinking rationally now,
is it the reason why he took it as a joke is because he actually NEVER WANTED IT TO BE REAL ???


sigh~
My brother once told be if I build a fence to high, nobody would be able to see the beauty of the garden behind the fence ...
If I build it too low and everyone would be climbing over the fence. . .

but the problem is did I build it right ??
I wasnt open to much guys
In fact,I didnt even gave them a chance nor myself a chance because I was only seeing ...
He was always there in my ... .. .
But it feels like now, I'm only trying to catch his shadow~
which HEY DEAR~ wake up IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

AM SO DEPRESSED~
wish he would care... .
REALLY wish he WOULD

CLUE

After the awkward embarrassing thing I did,
Images of . . . seem to be running . . . .

Well, I had a terrible night
as I always do nowadays
I wonder what is happening . . .
Somehow, I think I'm having INSOMNIA which is really bad
I couldnt get to sleep no matter how much I toss & turn around~
I even ate sleeping pills - really desperate to get some good night sleep
but still, I would be able to linger around until 2am

Well the clue I am mentioning is - dreams
Somehow we do know that dreams symbolizes what we are unable to do at our waking life
& funny thing is I . . . . . . him during the day & still thinks about him at my not so waking part of my life.

In my dream well, arent dreams the sweetest . .
he did something really unexpected where in the waking part of the life I think it would be -
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE ! ! !

lol

but something bad happen in the end
So i wonder if that's a clue to not mention all this ever again and still be friends
. . . .

OH MY GOD !!!

my homework is killing me and now all this. . .
Maybe I should have kept quite ~

FRustration is so taking over ~

There !!!! I DID IT !!!!

I CONFESSED ! ! ! !
OMG I CONFESSED ! ! ! !


I dont know as to if I should be proud of myself
Or to actually hate myself for doing that
I confessed to the guy I had a . . . . . on for 15 months now
I feel DUMB maybe he dont feel the same way
But I felt the feeling is hanging on too long~

I get MAD easily when he makes insensitive jokes
I get HAPPY easily too when he makes caring compliments
He gets my emotions all ups and downs. .
He gets my emotions all high and low . .
HE was someone that meant a lot to me. .

BUT,

Somehow, deep down
I had a felling that things would not end up the way I wanted it to be
Maybe I was not the girl with the long silky smooth black hair
I was not the girl with a voice like an angel
I was not the girl with fair pallid skin
I was not the girl with long beautiful legs
I was not the ONE~

well to tell the truth,
When ever I had a chance going out with him,
I would take every chance I had looking at his hands
How big it would be covering mine
And HOW I wish that the thought of that comes true

I WONT DENY NOW

I LIKE HIM ! ! ! !

I sigh a lot thinking about the message I've send
knowing that he'll read the content soon
Will he acknowledge my presences ??
Or AM I just ANOTHER FRIEND ??

sigh~

I'm missing KL. . . I'm MIssing . . .

Things are not falling into places which I had 1st anticipated it to be
I was hoping for a more drama like college life~ LOL
Classes now are still as boring as ever because we still aren't familiar with each other I guess

I phoned Sya ( A friend in my previous college )and I really missed chatting with her
A LOT !!!~
She was as usual lively and friendly
We chatted ,
We laughed ,
We smiled ,
We grinned &
We gasped in excitement . . .

It was enjoyable
A thing which I didnt have the chance to do after leaving KL
I miss saying morning to all my classmates
I miss saying your're pretty today
I miss saying nutty and crappy stuff to my lecturers

Oh~ I MISS THE DAYS MAKING FUN OF THE LECTURERS lecture =D

I miss . . .
. . was someone really special to me
but to . . ., I was as though nothing
Am I thinking too much ?? or is . . always that terrible to me

what do I even LIKE about . . . ???
SIGH~
I keep asking myself that question but the truth is, I like everything about . . .

arhg~ I'm the worst. . .
I Liked him for 15months now but I still cant tell him that.. . .
HARD CRUSH~ T.T

Day 1 for CLASS =D

Yesterday was an enjoyable day
I ate a lot and puke a lot too . . .
not that it was fun vomiting but sometimes, things cant be controlled LOL

ANYWAY, My first day in class was SO far SO GOOD
I got to meet ERIC LEONG as my ID lecturer
He was FUN and really LIVELY
But . . . Yes there is a BUT

THE CLASS was BORING
I mean STUDENTS

Maybe it's 1st day I guess. . .
& another not so beautiful part is that
Boys are in limited numbers
Only 4 guys
And none was HANDSOME !!!! LOL

Well, I'm still looking for a partner so I was looking
LOL
But I did enjoy today =)

It was so called an interesting start in a NEW LIFE =)

A new LIFE~ fresh hopes..

Well, I'm finally here. .
To start a fresh start. .
To give work on what I enjoy doing. .
[crossing my fingers here]

Everything is not the same here which I had initially hope that it would
People here are more of an aloof type
Not much of a merry hostel unlike mine in KL
where the security was to come to our front door and asked us to lower our voices
Here, we can even hear the crikets sing

I'm missing home althought I really didnt want to admit it . .
My first night here was pretty rough . .
Kept on waking up and ended up with a headache in the morning where I was to take an entrance exam at 9.00am
Things didnt get better as rain started to pour after I've finish my exam
my ONLY PAIR of SHOES was soaked
sigh~

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Funny I kept on thinking about overseas and sees nothing here . .
It isnt that bad here so why ??
I wonder if it's the movies or stories I've heard about getting a dreamy job and a romantic guy who loves me there . . LOL
either way that is definately a stupid way to put things. .

Well, I wounldnt say I wish anymore because I noticed that I wish things to happen to much and I'm finally understanding that things wont just happen the way I wanted them too. . so I'll stick with
Well . . GAMBATEH! I know I can!
well at least I have a little fate in myself~